Monday, 8 September 2014

A post on grieving..

Grieving is something everything has to go through in their lives. It's horrible but it's true. Whether it be from a beloved pet, relative or friend, it happens to us all.It's a tough time but you do get through it, it could take months or years but you do get through it and you come out stronger in the end.It's just the getting through it part that is difficult. 

The funny thing about it though is that you never know how you'll react. You think you do but until you have to go through it you won't know for sure. I thought I  would be very strong, and in some cases I was, but in others I was a wreak. You can react differently every time it seems.
I was the biggest wreak when I lost one of my parents. It's over five years since it happened and I'm still going through the 'Five stages of grief'. 

I lost a parent when I was a teenager. It's a tough time anyway but add that on top of it and it's hell. 
I was in the first stage of grief-Denial- before they even died as we knew it was coming. I knew it was coming but I was in complete denial. I believed everyone was lying to me. I believed that a miracle would happen and that they'd be fine,that it was all just a misunderstanding. It didn't and it wasn't unfortunately, but I was adamant it would. And this is completely normal. Everyone may go though it for some length of time, even it's it's only for a few days.

The second stage is Anger. I was only in this for a short time, but my god I was angry. I blamed everything and everyone for my parents death including myself.I was angry at my parent for leaving me and making me deal with all this. I pushed away all my friends as they just didn't understand. I pushed away everyone that tried to help. Looking back I think this was the hardest time, not for me but for the people around me.Again, it's different for everyone.

Bargaining. Another short stage one for me. I was making deals with God and Buddha and anything I thought would help. They didn't of course but I tried my best. I would've gave anything to have them back. 

The Depression Stage
This was my longest stage.Honestly there are days I think I am still in it. This was the most difficult time for me. I felt completely alone. My friends and family all said 'they understood' but they didn't. Some friends (no longer though) felt that I should be over it after four or five years but I just couldn't. They thought I just wanted attention and an excuse to talk about myself. This wasn't the case at all but that's how they seen it. 
I got in touch with a therapist and only for them and not sure how I would be. Only my very close family knew about it as I didn't want it getting out that I was seeing a shrink. The stigma of depression is quite bad in Ireland unfortunately and I was afraid of what people would think.
But if you think it would help please go and see one. Even if it'd just to talk freely about your day to day life, screw the stigma and talk to one. It honestly helps so much. I don't understand why there is still such a stigma about depression still but that may be another post.

Acceptance
This is the stage I think I am going through at the minute. That I hope I am going through anyway.
Although, just because I may be going through accepting it all doesn't mean that I am carefree and happy all the time. There are still days when I don't want to even get out of bed and put on 'The Happy Face'. It's still difficult but it is getting easier.I find that going to their grave and telling them about everything that's been happening ,makes me feel close to them. This has only happened in the last six months or so though. Before that I only went to their grave twice in five years.
Like I keep saying though is that everyone handles it differently.what was hard for me may not be as bad for you. What was easier for me may be the difficult thing for you.Everyone is different.

Not everyone goes through all these stages though and any stage can last any amount of time. It depends on the person going through it.

If there is anything I want you to get from this waffling of mine is that it honestly does get easier. There may be a few hurdles along the way put you will manoeuvre around them. Whatever it may be that you are grieving for please know that they are always with you, whether it's when you think back on something funny they did and smile, or cry from missing them so much, that's them being with you. They are always in your heart and mind and they will never truly leave you. That's what I think anyway. There are always people to talk to, whether it be your friends, family or people like the Samaritans (116123-now a free to call number) and it really does help to talk. Whatever you are feeling let yourself do it. If you want to cry then go ahead and cry, if you want to laugh then carry on. Don't feel guilty about doing any of these things.

I've been writing this post for over two weeks now and changed it god knows how many times. I'm a little scared to put something this personal to me out there but if it helps anyone then it'll be worth it. I hope this post has made sense to you, I kind of blurted everything out every time I tried to rewrite it. 
If you want to talk about this more or have something made a little more sense of  my email is everydayunicorn1@gmail.com and twitter is HERE. If I can help with anything at all I will.








12 comments:

  1. I'm covered in goosebumps after reading this. I went through a similar situation only it was a teenage cousin that passed away. I remember feeling so guilty even smiling, it felt like I was betraying them by feeling happiness. Already dealing with depression on top of the loss was incredibly difficult.
    Time really does heal but after all this time there's still days that it hurts as bad as it did back then.
    And just so you know, it's normal to revert back to the stages you think you're through so don't ever feel like you're going backwards.
    Lots of hugs and well done for posting this <3

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  2. Yeah you just have to take every day as it comes really..I meant to say that about going back and forth through the stages as well but I got a bit jumbled up in my head lol And thank you so much that means a lot! <3

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  3. Grief is a one emotion that I really struggle with. I know when my father died, I had a hard time coming to terms with it. I think I'm still sitting in the denial phase, two years later...

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that K.It lasted about a year for me and there are still days where I go back to it like Nicole said above. It's a really tough time but know he's always there with you in your heart. If you ever want to talk I'm here and I'll try to help as much as I can if you like. Big hugs <3

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  4. Hugs hun, what a beautifully written article. It is hard to overcome grief and I hope one day you will feel better one day. xx

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  5. Thank you Shireen, that means a lot. I'm positive I will and hopefully soon. Just have to let everything happen that needs to :) x

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  6. Really sorry to hear of your terrible loss, I don't think anyone should have to get over loss if they loved someone and I think it's very insensitive to not understand that. I hope in time you're able to focus on positive things and feel better in yourself and hopefully be able to focus on the happy memories you have, but it's only natural and loving to feel that loss in your heart.

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  7. I apologise if anything I said came off as insensitive, I didn't mean to offend anyone.Of course no one has to get over losing someone they loved. I'm positive I will feel better in time and I know that they're always with me. Thanks for your comment, and apologies again.

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    1. I think she meant your "friends" were insensitive not you! No need for apologies girly x

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    2. Well I am an idiot lol thanks nicole and makeup monster!xx

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  8. What a beautiful post. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. I lost my mum March 11 so I can relate to this. I fully agree about Ireland and therapy, when I went to counseling for an issue in my past,so many people thought my head was turned lol.
    Sending you huge hugs x

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    1. Thank you Alison and I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.. The stigma about going to counselling in Ireland is terrible,I very much hope it changes soon as it's not helping many people out. Sending huger hugs back!x

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